My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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