Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
