Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
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