I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
