Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
