Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
