Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Randomize
