I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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