I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
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