Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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