We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
