Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
