So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Randomize
