I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I want a musical about memes.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
