You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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