I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
