Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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