you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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