Girls should come with a carfax report
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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