I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Randomize
