I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
