She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
