if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Randomize
