i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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