If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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