I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
two words: eviction party
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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