im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Also, beer. Big fan.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Randomize
