Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
