Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize