my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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