I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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