Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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