Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
