I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
