I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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