You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Randomize
