I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Randomize
