I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Your cock deserves a montage
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
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