Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
These tits shall not be calmed
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Randomize
