apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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