Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
