So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
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He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
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apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
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