i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Randomize
