You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
She's just so happy...and so naked.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
