i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
