someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
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