she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
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