Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
