Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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