I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
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You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
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I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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