How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Randomize
