We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
