i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
