I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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