I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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