6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
