I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
