Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
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