why didn't you poke me back
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
