i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Randomize
