First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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