I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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