I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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