is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
