So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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