i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
