I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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